i should stop thinking of things that probably aren't going to happen (not yet at least). it is not good once my mind starts wondering. it makes me worried, scared, insecure, dumb, foolish and emotional. i dislike this side of myself.

when i look at my friends, all happy, contented and with that blissful look on their faces, hand in hand with their bf/gf, sometimes i really wonder why can't i have that too? with no problems or obstacles in the way. its easy for you to object but it hurts me so bad. so very very very badly that sometimes i feel like my heart is being torn apart. this heart-wrenching sour feeling. i really dont like it at all.

your concerns are justified i guess, but i know what i'm doing too. i'm no longer the kid back in secondary school. i know what's more impt and what's the icing on the cake. i always wonder why they never last long. now i know. because i fear you. i fear telling you and knowing what your reaction would be. i know you'll scream and yell and vehemently refuse to accept. yet when i plucked up my courage to tell you just so that you will approve of it, you dont. again. they were always never good enough. i would never be mature enough.

you refuse to listen to me, thinking that i dont know what im doing. maybe one day i might regret what i'm doing, i'm not sure. but at least im not regretting it now. its weird how everyone thinks he's great. just except you. i know your concerns arent unfounded. you would know better. but no one knows what the next 4 years will hold. thats when we graduate. maybe i'll meet someone better, or maybe he'll meet someone more suitable for him. its not like we're getting engaged/married straightaway. we even jokingly discussed the possibility of looking out for next yrs batch for a better catch even before we got together. it definitely was not a hasty decision. one decided just by that instance. we discussed it for weeks before deciding to get together. we both knew what we were in for. he knew my studies were no. 1 and that was why he didnt want to disrupt my studies, or else he would have approached me earlier about the issue. but i knew what my priorities were and i definitely would not do things to jeopardise my own graduation. and thats how we agreed.

yes, i might have been in his room to study. why? because i knew that my room was too warm to study and if i fell asleep, there wouldnt be anyone to wake me up to continue. you know me, i love sleeping so much that even the alarm wouldnt be enough. but having someone there made me want to study more plus he would wake me up after my occasional 30min naps. if not for him, i'll prob end up sleeping like 2-3h till dinner. its not like i didnt study in his room. i tried studying in my room but i always ended up on facebook or on the bed and not studying. its only because i studied better in a bigger room thats cooler with a human alarm clock that did actually wake me up that i went over to his room. but when i needed my textbooks etc, i would stay in my room and do the relevant revision/research. i know what to do. and i didnt disappoint you this semester.

i studied really hard because i didnt want you to have an excuse to not accept him. i knew what your concerns were and i tried my very best to address them. things that i could control. i cant help that he's the eldest in a big family. i can't help that he's doing arts/law. but i can show you that i am able to handle this right now. i know when to end when things get out of hand. i'm not stupid. i may like this guy a lot but if he's going to be downright *&($%, i'm not going to hang around for sure. trust me.

by the time you finish reading this, you're probably either fuming mad at the accusations you think i'm making or just so full of emotions you're not sure what you're going to do. you'll prob end up screaming at me again and i'll probably end up crying for another 1h45min but if this is going to make you give him a chance, its going to be worth it. 4 years is a long time to go and we know its difficult to even hit the 2yr mark. but at least give us a chance. maybe maybe there's a 1% chance. if we end up together even after we graduate, i actually think that by then, those problems/concerns that you have can be ironed out one by one. after all, 4 years is definitely long enough to get to know the family etc. isnt it better this way? instead of only getting to know the family well after marriage. perhaps by then your concern would be that after we're tgt for so long, it will be awkward to break up even if either of us meet someone better. well, no one knows for sure so why worry now? =D